I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress. — John Adams, in the play “1776”
Lawyers are just like physicians: what one says, the other contradicts.
— Sholom Aleichem
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry
into politics. — The Cynic’s Dictionary
There is never a deed so foul that something couldn’t be said for the guy; that’s why there are lawyers.
— Melvin Belli
Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written ‘The Ten Commandments’.
— Harry Bender
“Lawyers Are”: The only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. — Jeremy Bentham
“Lawyers Are”: One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
— Ambrose Bierce
“Lawyers Are”: A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.– Henry Brougham
“Lawyers Are”: One who defends you at the risk of your pocketbook, reputation and life. — Eugene E. Brussell
He saw a lawyer killing a viper on a dunghill hard by his own stable; And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind of Cain and his brother Abel.
— Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Lawyers Are”: A chimney-sweeper who has no objection to dirty work, because it is his trade.
“Lawyers Are”: The only civil delinquents whose judges must of necessity be chosen from (amongst) themselves.
— Charles Caleb Colton
“Lawyers Are”: By law’s dark by-ways he has stored his mind with wicked knowledge on how to cheat mankind.
— George Crabbe
“My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer.”
— Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
There’s no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. “Lawyers Are”: Those who lie, conceal and distort everything and slander everybody.
— Jean Giraudoux
It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour.
— Thomas Jefferson
The trial lawyer does what Socrates was executed for: making the worse argument appear the stronger.
— Judge Irving Kaufman
“Lawyers Are”: Those who use the law as
shoemakers use leather; rubbing it, pressing it, and stretching it with their teeth, all to the end of making it fit their purposes.
— Louis XII
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
— Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
“Lawyers Are”: One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.
— Henry Louis Mencken
The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.
— H.L. Mencken
“Lawyers Are”: People whose profession it is to disguise matters.
— Thomas More
I don’t want a Lawyer to tell me what I cannot do; I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do.
— J.P. Morgan
Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the
mainstream and damn it up.
— John Naisbitt, in Megatrends
A lawyer is a man who helps you get what is coming to him.
— Laurence J. Peter
Litigation is the basic legal right which guarantees every corporation its decade in court.
— David Porter
I told you all lawyers are worthless. After all it takes One to know all.
— Former V-P Dan Quayle
I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a
— Will Rogers
A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who attends college and graduates as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad.– President Theodore Roosevelt, attempting to persuade his son to become a lawyer
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Lawyers Are”: Perilous mouths.
— William Shakespeare
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
–William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part 2
It is better to be a mouse in a cat’s mouth than a man in a lawyer’s hands.
“Lawyers Are”: Those whose interests and abilities lie in perverting, confounding and eluding the law.
— Jonathan Swift.
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
— Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney
They all laid their heads together like as many lawyers when they are gettin’ ready to prove that a man’s heirs ain’t got any right to his property.
— Mark Twain
Of course I’ve got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I’ve got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they f**k everything up.
— Danny de Vito in “Other People’s Money”
A good lawyer is a great liar. *
One whose opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
— English Proverb
A cat who settles disputes between mice.
A person whose profession consists of protecting his
clients from other members of his profession.
People who can write a 10,000-word document and
call it a brief.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is
impaled on its horns, the government has it by the
tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms.
He who has said that ‘talk is cheap’, has never hired
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the
law and those who know the judge.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of
its members give the rest a bad name.
In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
You win some and you lose some, but you get paid for all of them.
A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs. *
A man was prosecuted. The judge asked him, “Don’t you need a lawyer?” To which he replies, “No, I don’t need any, I’m going to tell the truth.”
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Talk is cheap… until lawyers get
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not
win people fights; lawyers do.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
The Lawyer’s Motto:
“Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent
upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
In Other Words:
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.
The exact date that professional attorneys came into
existence is unknown, although the first complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth century.
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer… It is his business to confuse the issue afterwards.
And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.”
* These are culled from: “Nolo’s Favorite Lawyer Jokes”, copyright 1993, Nolo Press.