Lawyers Jokes

AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZZARD
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by
mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for
their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so
bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of
lawyers, we had $100 when we broke in!”

Smart Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
“my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and i fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb”. “well put”, the judge replied. “using your logic, i sentence the accused’s arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not as he chooses”.
The accused smiled. with his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out!

~~~~~NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be
paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the
interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.””Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.

~~~A man in California went 2 a Lawyer and askd “SIR, I HEARD U CHARGE $90 FOR TWO QUESTION U
ANSWER FROM your CLIENT(S)? Oh Yeah, the Lawyer Replied. So wat your SECOND QUESTION?
Bring It ON ?:-?

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer, wanting to start a conversation with the gentleman next to him, said
“I’m here ’cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here ’cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” The lawyer pondered the
engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, “How do you start a flood?”

~~~~~ George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.” Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the
cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can’t tell where we are Harry, let’s ask that gentleman down there on the
ground.” Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?” “You’re in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply.
“That man must be a lawyer,” George quipped. “How can you tell?” said Harry. “Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the
back of his limousine when he saw two men eating
grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man
replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he
said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife and three children!” the second
man answered.
“Bring them as well!” the wealthy lawyer said.
They all climbed into the limo and once underway,
one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “My pleasure, the grass in my
back yard is about two feet tall.”

A Lawyer sobering up from the night before is sitting
through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The pastor has been watching him all along,
noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!” The weary lawyer catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”

FlyThings

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