The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers,
demanding that the case be reopened, saying: “I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.” The judge asked, “What new evidence could you have?”
The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”
The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s
firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you’ve been
working on for ten years!”
His father responded: “You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!”
Good vs. Bad Lawyers
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that
your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my
estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and
advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything
herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”
…as pig is to Lawyer
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25’.”
The Lawyer and the coroner
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
“No,” the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
The coroner said, “No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, “No.”
The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he
could be out there practicing law somewhere.”
Curious Little Girl
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through
the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why
would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put$10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check
for the full $30,000.”
Playmates of the Devil
A man who died was supposed to go to Heaven, but ended up in Hell. So, God called Satan, protesting to have that man returned to Heaven where he belonged.
When Satan rejected the request, God said he would go to court to get the man back, to which Satan replied, “Where are you going to get a lawyer? They
are all down here!”